Dear heroine,

Sitting here in the nurse’s office, I’m so scared. I’ve seen this happening to you before but not under these conditions.
I can’t stop hearing your panting breath echo in my head, I still feel your hand squeezing mine.
I hope you’ll be okay. I’m coming to see you soon.

I’m so lucky to have you and it shakes my core seeing you that way.
I just want you to be okay.
I don’t want you to feel like this anymore.
I love you.

Your voice of reason,
Me

Dear lonewolf,

I haven’t mailed you a letter in a few weeks now.
And to be honest, it’s because I’m scared.

I’m scared of loving someone.
I’m scared of getting hurt.

And our lives are so complicated right now - I might never get to be yours because there’s so much in the way.

I know that sending a letter doesn’t complicate anything.
But right now I just can’t find it in myself to pick up a pen and write to you.

I’m sorry,
Me 

Dear Clyde,

You don’t even deserve me writing to you at this point.
But I’m writing this one for myself this time.

It’s funny; I had written in my last letter to you that “they all leave.”
But now I’m leaving.
I’ve cut off my ties of communication with you.
And it hurts.

It hurts knowing that you don’t care anymore.
It hurts knowing that you won’t be hurting as much as me.
It hurts knowing that you could say those things about me and think it’s ok - especially when we were already so fragile.
It hurts knowing that every night you’ll be out drowning your life away in drugs.
It hurts knowing that I’m not going to spend summer with you - I’m not going to be finishing my bucket list with you.
It hurts knowing that it had to get like this.

But that’s life.
And now you’re just somebody that I used to know.

Goodbye,
Bonnie 

Dear lonewolf,

I’m standing at the train station and I’m already writing.
My heart is pounding. I’m so happy.
Our meeting reassured me of so much more than I can begin to explain on paper.

I saw you running from the cab window and to be honest, you looked like a wolf.
I could hear your soul howling, calling to me.

I don’t know how you felt once I got into that cab, but I couldn’t breathe.
I had to clench my chest to make my everything stop pounding.
I don’t know what all of this means, really.
I’ve never been so overwhelmed with bliss. I can’t explain anything right now.

And here I am, back in this reality - sitting on a train taking me back to what I’ve been told should be called home.

Is it weird that I miss you? I want to just sit with you, anywhere and anytime, and only think about the now - think about the serenity.

You are an amazing individual.
Words cannot express how much you save me.
And I’ve never felt like I’ve been saved by another before.
I’ve never felt so okay around someone.

This letter is shorter than the ones I physically mail to you because I think you’ll be able to understand all of the feelings and emotions in between each and every word of mine - you’ve always understood me “no matter what.”

With love and serenity,
Me 

Dear Amanda,

You basically just had one of the best weekends of your life.
You’re fucking independent.
And you’re going to see lonewolf on Friday and everything is going to be ok.

Here’s to summer and the best days of your life to come,
Me 

Dear Clyde,

I’ve wasted so much time, so many nights, and so many tears on you.
And that’s what I am now: waste.
Just someone you can dispose of when you feel like you’re done.

You’ve changed permanently.
And maybe one day I’ll be able to adapt.
Maybe we’ll be able to reinvent our criminal tagteam. 
But that’s not today.

I’ll give you your space.
I’ll let you take in as much air as you want.
I’ll let you drift away. 
I’ll let you forget me.
But you don’t deserve a second of it.

Every time I was hurt, every time I was overwhelmed never mattered.
And all of a sudden, the one time you feel overwhelmed, you get to draw the line.
You get to leave.

But they always leave.
Everyone leaves in the end.

You said “partners in crime forever.”
I want to spit in your face for that one.
You used the F-word: forever.
It doesn’t exist.
It never did.
And I was naive.
I was so fucking naive.
I was that dumb little sheep that laid down next to the lion.
I never thought I’d get hurt.

They all leave.

I am alone.

They all leave.

That’s all I can think right now.

I put in so much. And sitting here, I feel like I got nothing in return.
Who was the one that talked to your parents so that you wouldn’t get kicked out?
Who was the one that stayed with you every weekend when you had to stay clean?
Who was the one that encouraged everything about your music and songwriting?
Who was the one that stayed true to you?
Who was the one that cared?
Me.

Who were you?

I can’t wait to put on this fake smile of mine.
I can’t wait to act like the family is ok.
I can’t wait to see you again.
I can’t wait to watch you walk allover me.
I can’t wait for all the nights I’ll spend awake.
I can’t wait to discover who else will leave me.
I can’t wait. It’s so fucking exciting.

Not your Bonnie anymore,
Me 

Dear Clyde,

I’m at a loss for words.
I can’t breathe.
I won’t be able to sleep.

You wrote a song called “What Do You Call Home?”
Well, what do you call home?
Because it’s not with me anymore and it’s not even yourself.

I miss you.
I’d rather have a Clyde that doesn’t love me in place of this Clyde that’s a complete stranger.

Always Bonnie,
Me 

Dear familia,

It’s 1:45am in Japan right now and I miss us.
It’s been a month and 10 days since we last spent time together and I want nothing more than to make us all ok again.

We’re going to get through this.
We’re going to help each other move forward and build up.
We’ll tell each other something sweet to get us by.

Here’s to the boys and girls,
Me 

Dear Amanda,

I haven’t written a letter in quite some time and to be honest, it’s because I’m slowly losing faith.
I’m losing faith in myself.

I’m weak.
I’m dependent.
I’m stressed.
I’m sick.

And I acknowledge all of that, but I haven’t fixed it.
I feel as though I’ll be like this forever because I’ve let myself fall into this cycle.
This cycle of caring about others and losing myself.
I don’t even know how to fix myself these days.
I don’t remember what it feels like to be happy within my own company.
I used to treasure that.
But now I feel like everyone is going to leave me, and I push myself to cling.

I’m so sick.
I’m so weak.

But I guess I’m just tired.
Right now I feel like the only way out is to leave.
Change my name, my number, my hair, my home.
Start over where nobody knows me and just keep moving.

But I’m sick, I’m weak, and I’m too tired.
I’m pathetic.
I can’t even bring myself to do that.

Deteriorating,
Me 

Dear Clyde,

I don’t even know what to say behind all of these tears right now.
I’m sorry.
I’m so sorry for leaving.

And right now this hurts more than anything.
And I can’t even admit that this is the right thing to do.

I’m sorry.
It’s all I can say.

Just please be safe.
Please don’t slip up.

I’m sorry.

Make it all stop.
Take my feelings away.
Take it all away.
Why did it have to be like this?
Why do I have to be like this?

I’m going to miss you so much.
And everything around me is going to remind me of you.

I love you,
Bonnie 

Dear puppy,

I thought about you today.
It’s odd. You find your way into my mind during the most peculiar times.

But I actually missed you.
I guess I’ve been in denial of the idea of spring time when it comes to you.
Once the weather gets warmer, I’ll be walking home from school the same way we went everyday.
And I’m going to stare at each corner, each sidewalk square and vaguely remember our moments.
When we used to lock pinkies instead of holding hands, when you’d get all upset everytime you heard me put myself down, when we asked each other questions back and forth without giving each other answers.
And when the grass gets green again and the wind starts to blow, I’ll see us laying in the shade, listening to the cars pass.

But now you’re really gone.
I found out that you moved to Boston almost two months ago.
And for some strange reason, after all the pain you put me through, I’m upset that I never got to say goodbye.
I never got the closure. But then again, I never did when it came to you.

So I’ll just try to remember those eyes.
I’ll remember the countless conversation:
“Puppy, why do you keep staring at me?”
“I’m just thinking.”
“What’s on your mind?”
“You.”

Goodbye,
Me